Edgar
by The Parody Master
Summary: In Disney's latest live-action remake, the semi-memorable 1970 classic "The Aristocats" is brought to life from the perspective of Edgar the Butler! Could it be that he has a tragic backstory which literally no one asked for?
1. A Horrible Childhood

Our story begins with Edgar as a poor hungry child wandering the streets of Paris. Bet you didn't think such an evil villain would have such sympathetic beginnings, did you? Well, that shows what you know. And what's this? The young Edgar is playing with an alley cat? How could that be? Isn't Edgar supposed to hate cats? Why did he change? Well, you're about to find out!

Anyway, Edgar arrived home at the small hovel where he lived with his equally poor mother, Jeanne Balthazar.

"I have a special treat for you today, Edgar," she said. "I decided to spend all our remaining money so that you could have a real dinner."

"_Hourra, maman!_" said Edgar. "I can't wait to eat real food for once!"

What's this? Are we feeling sorry for... Edgar? How could we feel sorry for such a terrible villain? It's really incredible how this background information changes your perception, isn't it?

No sooner had Edgar finished the first real meal he had had in days, the door of their little hovel burst open and in came... Georges Hautecourt? That funny little lawyer from the original movie? Could there also be more to his character than you remember?

"Where's my rent, Madame Balthazar?!" he demanded.

"I'm sorry, Monsieur Hautecourt," Jeanne pleaded. "I used all my money to buy my little boy a decent meal for once."

"Well, you should have let him starve if you wanted him to have a roof over his head!" Georges laughed evilly. "You're evicted!"

Now there's a side to Georges Hautecourt you haven't seen before, huh? Think of all the implications this has for Georges and Edgar's relationship. Aren't you glad this story is filling in all these details for you?

"I refuse to leave until you give me a way to pay my rent and feed my only son!" Jeanne proclaimed wokely, demonstrating that she was a strong independent woman. Happy now, feminists?

"Fine, we'll do it your way, Madame Balthazar," Georges replied with a wicked grin. "I'll teach you what happens to poor women who refuse to take orders from rich white men like me!"

With that, he gestured for his minions to enter the room. Yes, Georges Hautecourt has minions now. Isn't it amazing how your perception of the character is changed by these new details? Anyway, the minions started rubbing catnip all over Jeanne's body in what you can read as a rape metaphor if you want, but if you don't, we have plausible deniability.

"What are you doing to my mother?" Edgar demanded to know, but Georges just laughed as he gestured to his minions again. They threw Jeanne out into the street, where an entire army of feral alley cats was waiting. Smelling the catnip, they all pounced on her at once. Then the starving felines ate her right before Edgar's traumatized eyes, rendering the poor boy afraid of cats. Georges just laughed like a maniac at what he had done. This new information really makes you appreciate Edgar's point of view, doesn't it?

"You are now an orphan, little boy," Georges told Edgar. "If you know what's good for you, you will do whatever child labor I tell you to do!"

"I will, Monsieur Hautecourt!" said Edgar, tears streaming down his youthful face. "I promise!"

Yes, it turns out that nasty villain Edgar was once reduced to tears by the death of his poor mother. This gives you a whole new appreciation for his character, right?

Anyway, Georges brought Edgar to the fancy home of Adelaide Bonfamille. Yes, that's "Madame" from the original film, and now we're finding out how she and Edgar first met. Isn't this incredible? Can you not wait to find out new things about her and her relationship with Edgar?

"Get that dirty street urchin out of here!" she shrieked, wrinkling her nose snobbishly.

As she said this, Adelaide was petting her pet kitten Duchess, whom you may remember was some unimportant animal character in the original film. Edgar cringed at the sight of the feline. Isn't it interesting how our knowledge of the previous scene provides some context for Edgar's otherwise reprehensible hatred of cats? That's how you know this is well-written.

"He's going to be your new servant," said Georges. "That way you'll have more time to practice your singing."

"But I'm so good already!" Adelaide insisted. Then she started singing really badly, revealing that she had zero talent and had only ever achieved any success as an opera singer due to her and Georges' money. That really changes your perception of the character, doesn't it?

"Just keep practicing, my dear," said Georges, with a forced smile. "You can always be better."

"What exactly will I be doing for her?" asked Edgar nervously.

"You'll be taking care of her cat!" declared Georges, unable to keep a straight face as he said it. He then proceeded to laugh so hard at his evil cleverness that he started wheezing for breath.

Isn't it interesting how this added background changes your view of the characters?

Well, isn't it?


	2. Elvira

The story then skipped forward to when Edgar was an adult, and looked exactly like whichever Hollywood star we can convince to do this. Meanwhile, Georges and Adelaide looked the same, but with some half-assed old age makeup. By now, Edgar had worked his way up to being Adelaide's butler, but he still took care of Duchess, who now had three kittens of her own. This was a brilliant shout-out to the original film, in which she also had three kittens. However, we won't mention the kittens' names because who has time for minor details like that.

Anyway, Edgar was walking through the house one day when he heard beautiful opera singing. He paused. He had never heard Adelaide sing like that before! Could she have actually become good somehow? He walked up to the door where the singing was coming from, and pushed it open. It wasn't Adelaide at all, but the new maid Elvira! Bet you didn't expect that it would be someone other than the professional opera singer who would be good at opera singing, huh? That just goes to show how unpredictable this story can be!

"Wow, that was amazing!" said Edgar, after she had finished. "It should be you singing on that opera stage, not Madame Bonfamille!"

"Oh, I could never make it onto the stage," said Elvira tragically. "The world of opera is a cutthroat world where you need money and connections that I just don't have."

What's that? Is Edgar shedding a tear for poor Elvira? That doesn't fit our image of him as some abominable villain, does it? It's just amazing how much depth there is to this character we used to think of as one-dimensional, isn't it?

In the next scene, Edgar and Elvira were eating dinner in a really incredible Moulin Rouge set that cost ten million dollars, but we can spend that kind of money on throwaway sets because this is a Disney live-action remake, dammit. We also included some clever references to the paintings of Toulouse-Lautrec, making the movie very sophisticated and highbrow. This also made up for any deficiencies in the script, not that there were any.

"Do you know how much you mean to me?" Edgar asked her romantically. "It seems that I alone know what you're worth, my dear. Let us marry right away."

"Coax me, court me slowly, dear," replied Elvira, sticking up for herself feministly.

Suddenly, Georges burst into the room. He was immediately enraged by the sight of Edgar and Elvira in the Moulin Rouge.

"What are you doing in here?!" he raged. "If you can afford to eat here, I think Adelaide is paying you a little too much!"

"For your information, we pooled our savings for this occasion," said Edgar.

"Is that so?" said Georges evilly. "A lady shouldn't pay for dinner. Therefore, you shouldn't have any dinners that you can't pay for yourself!"

"It was my own choice to help pay for dinner," Elvira answered independently. "Of course, other women can choose not to help pay for dinner, and that choice is equally legitimate." Notice what a great role model Elvira is for all the little girls watching. That's because this is 2019.

"It looks like you're going to be very happy with this woman," said Georges with an awful sneer, "and we can't have that. If you're happy, then you won't have learned your lesson about showing me proper respect!"

This is Georges' overriding motivation throughout the story. You know this is well-written when the villain has some kind of vaguely discernible motivation.


	3. The Will

The next morning, Edgar woke up only to find that Elvira had disappeared from Adelaide's mansion. He couldn't believe it. She wouldn't leave without even saying goodbye, would she? Of course, Edgar didn't seriously consider the possibility that she had left him of her own free will because that might make him come off as some kind of victim-blaming misogynist. And besides, even if she had left him of her own free will, she would have undoubtedly had a good reason.

Then Edgar heard a voice outside that made his teeth grate.

"Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay! Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay!" sang Georges as he walked up to the house, and Edgar opened the front door to let him in.

Yes, this is where the original film began. Isn't it incredible how all the background we've received has changed our perceptions around? Can you just not wait to see how this will affect our view of the original story?

"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO ELVIRA, YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Edgar yelled at Georges.

"Oh, she's still alive," said Georges, laughing maniacally. "I just convinced Adelaide to send her away to Timbuktu!"

Wait, wasn't Timbuktu where Edgar tried to send the cats in the original film? Oh, what a twist this is! But wait, it'll come back later, but you'll never guess how.

"Now, help me up these stairs!" Georges demanded in a very entitled voice.

"Couldn't we take the elevator?" suggested Edgar.

"That birdcage?" Georges laughed with evil glee. "Poppycock! Elevators are for poor people who can't afford to be practically carried up the stairs by human garbage like you!"

Now, isn't this interesting? Georges forcing Edgar to help him up the stairs seemed like such a funny scene in the original movie, but now we see that it was actually an incredibly dark scene in which Edgar was being cruelly tormented for no reason. You'll definitely never watch that scene the same way again!

Anyway, Georges had ruined Edgar's pants by the time they made it to the top of the stairs.

"Announcing... Monsieur... Georges... Hautecourt!" panted Edgar, with his pants falling down traumatizingly.

"You don't have to tell me that it's Georges, you idiot!" Adelaide shrieked ungratefully.

"And how dare you expose yourself in front of a proper lady!" Georges roared. "Get out of here and don't come back until you learn to have class, you rotting piece of human sewage!" Then he whacked Edgar with his cane and laughed about it.

Edgar went off to his room to fix his pants. He decided to leave the speaking tube open. But considering how he's been treated, is it really that wrong of him to eavesdrop on Georges and Adelaide's conversation? Isn't it just fantastic how this story provides some context for Edgar's actions that seemed so evil when we saw them in the original film?

"Who do you want me to sue, eh?" asked Georges. "Perhaps another orphanage? I love how they had to sell off the whole building to pay you, and all the worthless children were kicked out onto the street where poor people belong!"

"Oh no, Georges," Adelaide replied. "Don't get me wrong, I always enjoy putting the poor in their place, but today I simply want to make my will."

"Will, eh? Will. Now, then, who are the beneficiaries?"

"Well, as you know, I have no living relatives," Adelaide explained, "and naturally, I want my beloved cats to be always well-cared for. And certainly no one can do this better than my faithful servant, Edgar."

If you're wondering why Adelaide appreciates Edgar so much when she's been so mean to him in this version, it's because he's just that good at taking care of her cats. And don't worry that this was never actually shown. After all, who wants to see a bunch of boring scenes with cats? A movie based on _The Aristocats_ should be heavily focused on the human characters, clearly.

"Edgar?" asked Georges. "After his behavior today? In addition to what you saw, he was too slow at getting me up the stairs. You should be giving him more discipline, not the fortune you amassed from exploiting working-class peons like him!"

"Thank you for alerting me to the problem, Georges. I'll be sure to take action. After all, we wouldn't want the proletariat to get too uppity. Still, Edgar has done a good job taking care of my cats."

"How about this?" said Georges with a wily grin. "Why don't you just leave everything to your cats? Then, at the end of their life span, your entire estate will revert to Edgar."

"Yes, yes, that's a good idea," Adelaide agreed.

"Everybody wants to be a cat," Edgar muttered under his breath while a few notes from that song played on the soundtrack. That should satisfy all those people on Twitter who were insisting that that song had to be in the new movie. Besides, don't you remember that insanely racist moment in which the Siamese cat played the piano with chopsticks? You wouldn't _really_ want us to include that sort of thing in this version, would you? After all, this is 2019.

"But you need a backup plan," Georges continued. "What if the cats and Edgar die before you?"

"Well," said Adelaide, "in that case, I suppose you should inherit everything."

"Excellent!" said Georges with an evil laugh while rubbing his hands greedily.

Edgar gasped. "He's going to kill me and the cats so he can take all the money for himself! I've got to get the cats to safety somewhere!"

Now, isn't this a twist? You _thought_ Edgar kidnapped the cats because he wanted to steal their fortune, but actually it turns out that he was just trying to protect them from Georges' evil plan. Isn't it incredible how your perception of this story has been completely shifted around?

Oh, and if you're wondering why we established a reason for Edgar hating cats only to ignore it in favor of having him protecting the cats instead, that wasn't bad writing. It was a clever red herring. Or something.


	4. Kidnapping the Cats

Later that day, Edgar mixed sleeping pills into his Crème de la Crème à la Edgar. Did you ever wonder why he drugged the cats instead of just killing them? Well, it turns out there was a reason all along. Isn't it such an incredible twist that he was actually trying to help the cats rather than hurt them? And just think, this is in spite of him seeing those alley cats eat his mother when he was a kid. Truly, Edgar is not the one-dimensional villain we all thought he was!

Anyway, he served the cats his Crème de la Crème à la Edgar, which was not a saucer of milk in this version because it's now known that that's bad for cats. Can you believe that this supposedly villainous character is demonstrating such excellent animal care? Could it be that he's not so bad after all?

That night, Edgar loaded the cats in a basket and snuck out of the house. He was completely traumatized when he mistook a tree branch for a gun! Notice how this part of the story wasn't treated as a flippant joke like in the original film. That's because gun violence is a very serious issue. Aren't you glad that all the problematic content from the antiquated original has been removed by this twenty-first-century update?

Edgar took off in his motorcycle with the basket in a sidecar. When he came upon the police station, he had a flashback to the police beating him when he was a poor child. Knowing the police only provided justice for the rich, he turned and sped away. This was a definite improvement over the original film because we all know replacing madcap comedy with dreary angst makes the story better. Plus, this changed a silly moment into an incisive commentary on police brutality. Just think, if the police actually provided justice for the common people, Edgar could have gone to them for help instead of kidnapping the cats!

After a fade, Edgar arrived in the French countryside. Suddenly, a pack of vicious CGI wolves rushed out and started chasing him. The scene was really, really intensive as Edgar sped along and the basket fell out of the sidecar. Then suddenly it was over with an abrupt cut to Adelaide's mansion the next morning because it's not like someone getting attacked by wolves is an interesting scene or anything.

Anyway, Edgar was now serving tea to Adelaide and Georges.

"The damn cats ran away last night!" she seethed, using bad language because this is a live-action movie for adults. "They must not love me like I thought they did. I'll just leave everything to Edgar."

"Adelaide, you mustn't!" Georges replied. "If you give money to a single poor person, that will be the end of capitalism!"

"I don't care!" Adelaide snapped. "Those damn cats deliberately betrayed me while Edgar has been nothing but loyal!"

What's this? Is Edgar looking... guilty for what he's done? And don't forget that what he did was actually well-intentioned. Think about it. If he only wanted the money like the old film made us think, he would be very happy right now, but he's not. Are you surprised yet that Edgar is not the bad guy after all?

In a deeply moving scene, Edgar walked into his room and looked at himself in the mirror for a moment. "I guess I'm going to have to bring those damn cats back," he said.

And so Edgar went back to the countryside to retrieve the cats. He found them sleeping, except now they were joined by an orange male cat. This was a clever nod to a small detail in the original film, in which they were also joined by an orange male cat. However, we won't mention the new cat's name because who has time for minor details like that. Anyway, Edgar placed all four cats into the basket, loaded it onto the sidecar again, and headed back to Paris, rendering the whole kidnapping plot pointless, but this is based on _The Aristocats_ and you would've expected to see the kidnapping at some point.

The cats were still asleep when Edgar arrived back at the mansion and carried the basket inside. "Look who I found!" he announced.

"Those damn cats!" yelled Adelaide, taking out her cat 'o nine tails whip. "I'll teach them a lesson for betraying me!"

"No, you can't!" said Edgar, now realizing his mistake in bringing the cats back. "I won't let you!"

"Adelaide can do whatever she wants to her cats because they're her property!" Georges laughed evilly. "That's how it works under white-supremacist capitalist patriarchy!"

Is this woke yet? (By the way, don't forget to buy all the merchandise associated with this brave new film so that all your friends can see how woke you are. We're Disney!)


	5. The Epic Climax

"No, I won't let you hurt these beautiful cats!" declared Edgar, turning to run out of the room. "I will send them away to live with Elvira in Timbuktu! She'll take care of them properly!"

Wait, did you hear that? It turns out that even when Edgar was trying to send the cats to Timbuktu, it was still an attempt to protect them! And that's how Timbuktu comes back into the story as well. We'll bet you never saw _that_ coming!

"No, you're just trying to get rid of them so you can inherit first!" yelled Georges chasing after him.

Wow, can you believe we used to think that that's exactly what Edgar was trying to do? It just goes to show how ignorant we were back then. It's not as though he was explicitly written that way in the original movie, and this version just rewrote him into a good guy while rewriting all the original good guys into bad guys.

Anyway, Edgar escaped on his motorcycle, giving us that iconic image of Edgar on his motorcycle with the cats' basket in the sidecar. Can you believe that we're now rooting for that image? We'll bet you never thought it would end like this!

Meanwhile, Georges got into his car and took off after Edgar. This led to an epic car chase in which a fruit cart got knocked over because that always happens. Eventually, Georges crashed his car into Edgar's motorcycle and sent it flying through the air cinematically. Edgar flew through the air with his umbrella like in that scene with the dogs from the original movie. Remember that, huh? Huh? You must be surprised to see that scene cleverly referenced at a completely different point in the story!

Fortunately, Edgar grabbed the basket with the cats before he was sent flying through the air. He just happened to land at the foot of the Eiffel Tower.

"Give me those damn cats!" yelled Georges, as he drove his car in Edgar's direction. "They will get Adelaide's money, not you!"

"You think this is about money?" Edgar yelled back. "This is about protecting these cats from rich bastards like you!"

"Why would you protect cats when alley cats literally ate your mother?" Georges challenged him.

"Because I now understand that those cats did what they did because they were starving," Edgar answered, "and they were starving because of bourgie one-percenters like you!" But not like Disney! Buy our products, please!

Anyway, Edgar ran onto the Eiffel Tower's elevator. Georges jumped out of his car and into the elevator, but the doors closed before he could land inside. The elevator took off with Georges clinging onto the outside.

"Let me onto this elevator!" he yelled, trying to whack Edgar with his cane. "You must do as I say because I'm rich!"

"Poppycock!" replied Edgar as he grabbed the cane like a badass. "Elevators are for poor people!" Then he whacked Georges on the head with his own cane and sent him falling to his death.

And wasn't that a brilliant callback? Can you believe that this wasn't how the story was always supposed to end? That's how you know this is well-written!

When the elevator reached the top of the Eiffel Tower, Edgar stepped out. Carrying the basket, he walked up to the edge. Wait, is he going to chuck the basket over the edge, sending the aristocats to their deaths? Is it going to turn out Edgar really was the bad guy all along?

Nah, turns out we just thought you might fall for that fakeout. Did you? Huh, did you?

Anyway, Edgar lifted up the basket's curtain and turned to smile heartwarmingly down at the cats, who were still asleep. Yes, it turns out the cats slept through the entire climax because it's not like they're important characters or anything.

In the next scene, Adelaide was on her deathbed with Edgar and Elvira sitting nearby.

"I'm so glad I changed my will," said Adelaide.

"I'm just glad you finally saw that monster for what he really was," Edgar replied with appropriate humility.

"When you've inherited my entire estate, you will share and share alike," Adelaide continued. "Oh, you will be so happy!" And with those final words, she died dramatically.

Then, without any kind of emotional transition, Edgar and Elvira turned to leave the room. But hey, we _do_ need to wrap up the story now.

"We should start a new foundation," Elvira proposed feministly.

"What foundation?" asked Edgar

"Our home for all the alley cats of Paris!" she said, sharing her good fortune the way good rich people do. You know, good rich people like... say... Bob Iger.

But we don't show the mansion becoming a shelter for all the alley cats of Paris because never work with children or animals. Instead, we cut to a ceremony with Edgar being awarded the Legion of Honor by the President of France, who was a black woman of color because, guess what, black people existed in 1910. What's that, you say? The French president wasn't actually a black woman of color in 1910? Well, the original movie featured talking cats, and you don't seem to have a problem with that inaccuracy. Could it be that you only object to this change because you're a hateful racist troll?

Anyway, that's the _true_ story of Edgar, a good man who was persecuted by the rich and powerful, but still managed to do the right thing. Can you believe that such a, well, hero was painted as the villain in that stupid original movie? Truly, we did not know the full story!

Wait, wasn't this story about cats at some point?


End file.
